What snogging?

Well - I've been asked for an update on the Saturday snogfest. And I did promise. The fact that it's now Monday afternoon and I've yet to update you should tell you that things may not have turned out as well as could be expected.

I had done some research - because I am little out of practice. I looked it up on the 'net and this is what I discovered. There is a snog rating as follows:

1. Dry little peck to cheek

2. Dry peck to lips

3. Longer peck to lips with 'puckering'

4. As above but with tongue darting (!)

5. Open mouth kissing with mutual tongue exploration

6. Neck Nuzzling

7. No 5 but with above waist body fondling

8 No 5 But with below waist body fondling

9. Any of the above with coinciding clothes removal

10. The full Monty

Now - we ladies like to work our way through the list in order. Well - I think we do - well anyway I do (I can't really speak for my sisters) and we know that if we're to be respected we should leave an appropriate amount of time from starting on number 1 and ending up at number 10. What's appropriate? Well - it could be anything from a couple of hours to a couple of months (I have been known to wait a few months......sharp intake of breath....You?...Never) but that was when I was younger and had more time.  In essence - the timing has to be right and appropriate. I do know ladies who have gone from 0-10 in less than an hour - but they will readily admit that it was just for fun and they never expected him to call the next day. 

I do actually know one lady who would get there as quickly as possible - her record?  3 Minutes - but she worked an hourly rate...her meter was ticking and she had other clients.

Anyway - back to the plot. I arrived at his house and he made me coffee..(No sugar...health nut...doesn't have it in his house!). We talked about his job and other stuff including my plans for the evening. We laughed about some stuff and even discussed sentence construction. I don't know much about it - but it beats talking about footy. Time flew by and then it was time for me to leave.  I had to get to Tesco for some fresh cream (which they didn't have...but that and the ensuing supermarket hissy fit is a whole other story).

He grabbed me by the door....in a very tight clinch (oh Barbara Cartland) and stuck his mouth straight on mine and ...well....I can only assume he was trying to suffocate me - or try and work out what I'd had for breakfast...or steal my gold fillings or something...but I couldn't breathe.

It wasn't passionate - or nice - or sexy - or in any way pleasant. At all. Not one little bit. Then his hands started and suddenly we were at a number 7 and very quickly he attempted a number 8.

Well..needless to say I panicked.

I disengaged myself - opened the front door and almost ran off up the garden path. Acting just like the sophisticated worldy wise experienced woman that I am (not).

Less than an hour later I got a text cancelling our lunch date for the following day. Then the penny dropped. He had just wanted a **ag! Probably no interest in me or my funky little ways or my clever bright and enquiring mind or my wacky sense of humour...or any of it. He must have thought that if he could get me round there on Saturday and have his wicked way - he wouldn't have to fork out for lunch on Sunday! Sleazy!

I didn't bother texting back. 

I mean...let's face it....I'm not going to go from zero to ten within an hour for a man who doesn't even keep sugar in his house...now am I?