Any good at sticking stamps on envelopes?

I've had a message. Through the dreaded dating website. When you sign up for the website you give yourself a name. Mine is just my name and a couple of numbers. I have not called myself 'titty girl' or 'tight thighs' or 'cute buns' or anything remotely descriptive.

Some people do however. And some of them are quite amusing. Some of them are dreadful. In the past I have been contacted by 'Poleman'...'sitonthis'...'goallnight' and many many more.

Today I have had a message from a chap calling himself 'Fellatioman'.

Now - let's think about this. I'm impressed that said chap actually knows the correct term for this particular activity. But I am suspicious. The name tends to lead us to the believe that he is a master. Were badges available he would probably have them sewn all down the sleeves of his pyjamas. Bronze, silver and gold...advanced...further advanced and so on. Maybe certificates in bronze frames above his bed. He would probably be excellent at holding his breath for long periods, and diverting his respiratory activity via his aural orifices. (!)

The trouble with us women is we tell fibs. Usually when we're moaning. I have never ever told a man that he is rubbish at this particular activity. I've told men when they're good at it - but if they're rubbish - I've just kept quiet and distracted them by doing something else instead. And I suspect I'm not alone. I have been known to exaggerate their prowess in an attempt to hurry them along so I can get back to watching the soaps on TV. Men have fragile wee egos and they're very easily damaged. If you criticise their performance they're likely to run away with Janice from the Chip shop - you know - the one with lanky long hair and a wonderbra. Because we want to keep them - I mean - they make be rubbish at that - be he might be well handy with a cordless drill and you need curtain poles putting up next saturday. They're hard enough to find (good ones) so you don't want to be all careless and lose them by telling them that their tongue is like an annoying little insect and the pressure, direction and placement is all WRONG.

So - my thinking is this...if a lady finds a good bloke who is also good at that..she's going to hang onto him. She'll go and buy her own drill (I have two) and put up her own curtain poles.

So here's my message to my latest gentleman caller.

Pop round here love - I've got a mouth organ that I want you to play some Beethoven on... I've got two hundred stamps that need sticking on envelopes.... I have a huge solid Thorntons chocolate lolly that I've saved from Easter that I want to watch you eat. If you pass all those tests we'll discuss your prediliction for scampi fries and seafood - and only then - shall we discuss the possibility of letting you prove to me that you deserve the name you've given yourself.

Look forward to it x